I recently bought a mouth guard thing because my dentist and my wife said I’m grinding my teeth at night. The dentist recommended one on Amazon or they could charge me $600 to custom make one. I went with Amazon (buying one off eBay just didn’t seem right.) I discovered two interesting things in the process. First, our federal government has actually spent time regulating mouth guards. Seriously, there is a warning on the package that says federal law requires you buy one from or under the direction of a health care professional. I mean, what would happen if someone just went out and bought one and started using it without being told to? Chaos, folks, utter chaos. I’m covered here since my dentist told me to. (Also, in case the FBI is reading, I’ve left those huge, unnecessary white tags hanging off my pillows, mattresses and patio furniture cushions.)

Second, I’ve discovered that I have a more sensitive gag reflex than I realized. I wonder if that’s regulated too?